Why Whole30?

So, I've decided to do the whole Whole30 thing.  It was not an easy decision as I am sugar's biggest fan, and I put it off for many months thinking that I "wasn't ready".  I realized at some point that I would never be "ready", so I decided to stop putting it off and start getting determined.  I am a girl who loves a goal and this is a great one to strive for.  I wanted to be as prepared as possible so that I would not fail.  I am looking at this 30 days as a sort of "bucket list" thing that I want to be able to say that I successfully completed.  Kind of like the half-marathon that killed my love of running (I hope Whole30 doesn't kill my love of veggies :)).  Luckily, I was already a pretty healthy eater pre-Whole30 and had been eating about 70% paleo for the last 3 months.  My meals were healthy for the most part, but my snacking was out of control.  I was consuming way too much sugar, and I knew it.  I also knew that it was an addiction for me; it was something I could not pass up no matter how hard I tried.  I would always justify it with things like, "You already worked out for an hour today and you're going running later, you deserve it."  If it wasn't that, it was, "You're pretty fit; one piece of chocolate won't hurt you."  The problem was, it wasn't one piece of chocolate; it was several and then a couple more.  I ate late at night, too.  Mostly cereal (terrible for you) and, again, candy or cookies.  I was miserable.  Not because I was overweight, but because I had lost my control.  When I feel out of control, I do whatever it takes to gain that control back.  I told you I wasn't "ready" to do something good for myself like Whole30, so I tried other methods.  See, I have a LONG standing relationship with bulimia.  I began dieting and obsessive exercise when I was in 4th grade.  When I was in 6th grade, a Junior High Drama class came to our school and performed a skit about a skinny cheerleader who threw up everything she ate to stay skinny.  The skit was meant to draw attention to the fact of how dangerous it is.  Guess what I learned from it?  Yep, you guessed it! "I can get skinny if I throw up everything I eat?  Sweet!"  And so, my lifelong journey with bulimia began.  When I say lifelong, anyone with an eating disorder knows exactly what I mean.  It is a disease that is somewhat curable, but always sticks around waiting for a relapse (kind of like cancer).  When I had my first child, I did some counseling to help deal with the fact that I was going to gain weight, and that giving in to my urges to binge and purge was not safe nor acceptable.  It was, at that time, the best 9 months of my life.  I felt free because throwing up was no longer an option.  Also, I looked fat, but that was OK because I was supposed to.  During those 9 months, there were so many times when I thought to myself that I would NEVER return to my previous habits because life was so much happier when food and weight did not control your every waking moment and thought.  Well, like I said earlier, the disease sticks around just waiting for your weakest hour and attacks.  Bulimia took back control, but not quite to the extent that it had previously (I was throwing up apples, people...apples).  It's funny how you think at the time that you are the one in control because you are going to decide what stays in your body when you really, truly have no control at all--bulimia does.  Three years after my daughter was born I met my husband (my daughter's father and I separated, but he stayed involved and still is).  We married and I had my son 5 years later.  During that 5 years, I decided that my family and, more importantly, I was important enough to stop the craziness once and for all.  I had only had the occasional relapse, rather than the daily purge.  I thought I was cured.  Then,  I turned 30 last year, my thyroid failed, and through that process, gained 12 pounds (I just weighed myself yesterday since it was the first day of my Whole30) despite being a fitness instructor teaching 7-9 classes per week and attending hot yoga twice a week.  I didn't know until yesterday exactly how much weight I had gained, but I knew it was there.  I kept telling myself that it couldn't possibly be how I was eating because I worked out enough to burn it all off (any fitness professional knows that is a jacked up way of thinking, but I was making excuses).  I didn't want to admit that my sugar intake was effecting my weight because that would mean that I would have to cut back and, as I've said, I am an addict.  Or....did it?  I fought the urge to begin purging again for a long time and was proud of myself every time I was able to refrain.  But, like cancer, this disease just keeps creeping back in and I found myself unable to control myself once again.  I was extremely disappointed that I had allowed my weight and food to have this grip on me, but I couldn't stop it.  It became more frequent going from once or twice a month to once or twice a week.  I knew I had to do something before it became once or twice a day.  I knew I had to do something to "heal me".  I am not doing Whole30 to lose weight (although that would be a great perk) or correct inflammation or help with allergies.  I am doing Whole30 to heal my mind.  I want to have a healthy relationship with food instead of a toxic one.  I love good food and I love myself, I really do.  Bulimia WILL NOT take control of my life again.  When things get hard and I want to quit or eat something I shouldn't (I'm on day 2 and feeling OK, but it's only day 2), I am going to re-read this post to remind myself how important this is.  I don't know if it will cure my disease, but I've got to give it my best effort or I will never know.